vulnerable?

Connections.  We cannot survive without them.  We are neurobiologically hard-wired for them.  They give our lives purpose and meaning.  Substance. 

But there is this dark….MONSTER….that does everything in its power to unravel all of our connections!  We call it ‘shame.’  Which, personally, I think is totally rooted in the FEAR of DIS-connection.  Right?  We have all been there at some point– asking ourselves “Is there something about me, that if other people knew it or could see it, would make me unworthy of connection?”

Nobody ever wants to talk about shame – and the less you do, the more you probably have. 

 Well, since we all have this deep desire to connect with others, what’s the problem?  Why is it such an issue?  I’ll tell you why! Because to experience connections, we have to allow ourselves to be seen…REALLY seen…we have to be v-v-vulnerable.

Oh my gosh. My stomach knotted up just typing the word. 

i.  hate. vulnerability. it’s excruiciating. 

But why?  And how?  How does this one stupid emotion have so much power over me?  I decided to dig a little…

I started by trying to put my finger on what the word ACTUALLY means – not by googling the definition, but by studying people who live it.  I borrowed a learning tactic from Del Tackett and covered my wall with colorful sticky-notes  - all filled with adjectives and traits I found in these people.  You know what stuck out the most? They all have courage.

“Courage” comes from the latin word “coure” (heart) – and was originally defined as “having the ability to tell the story of who you are using your WHOLE HEART.”  Yep. Your WHOLE HEART…not just the pretty, shiny, all-put-together parts of it!

These people have the courage to be imperfect.  They are willing to let go of who society/parents/teachers/peers attempt to say they SHOULD be in order to become who God has actually MADE them to be.  They are authentic.

I want that.  I want to EMBRACE vulnerability, too.  But it’s hard! ugh.

Slowly but surely I’m starting to make some progress, but can I be honest? It can really suck.  It isn’t comfortable.  But at the same time, I have to admit, it isn’t as excruciating as I once thought, either.  And to get those true, deep connections that my heart desires, it is just absolutely necessary….so I gotta put my big girl panties on and deal with the hard parts…

I’m learning!

I’m learning to have the willingness to say “I love you” first, to do things that don’t have an ounce of guaranteed success, and even to invest in relationships that may or may not ever work out. 

It. Is. Not. Easy.

I’m learning that vulnerability is the core of my shame, fear, and struggle for worthiness.  And that it’s also the birthplace of my joy, creativity, and believing I belong and that I am loved.

I am learning that we live in such a vulnerable world – whether we like it or not.  Waiting for the doctor to come back with test results? You’re vulnerable! Going to ask a girl out?  You’re vulnerable!  Being called into the boss’s office and fearing the worst? You’re vulnerable! 

We can’t escape it…but we try.  Hard.  We constantly attempt to numb ourselves to vulnerability.  Look around…we are the most in debt, obese, addicted, and medicated society in U.S. history!  What the heck?? We try to say “ok, all these bad emotions… shame, grief, judgement…I don’t want to feel any of these! I am going to eat some chocolate cake and maybe have a drink or two” (…or pop a pill or two, or do a whatever your struggle is or two)

BUT HERE’S THE PROBLEM! We can’t just selectively numb a few hand picked emotions and not the others!  It’s an all-or-none kind of deal.  Which means we’re also squashing any joy, gratitude, goodness, and happiness in our lives!  Then we’re miserable….so we start searching for purpose and meaning…..which makes us vulnerable…..which scares us and takes us back to the chocolate cake and beer (or whatever). 

This cycle has got to be broken. It has to. 

I don’t really know what that looks like on a broad scale, to be honest.  But I know what it looks like in my little corner of the world – so I just have to start with ashlea

I have to let myself be seen.  Deeply seen.  Vulnberably seen.  I have to love with my whole heart even though nothing is guaranteed.  I have to practice more gratitude and joy.  I have to stop being consumed with trying to figure out if you’re always being sincere, or if I can let myself love you this much.  I have to stop blaming….stop projecting my pain and discomfort on people around me…people who mean the world to me.  I have to stop catastrophising what MIGHT happen and learn to say I’m grateful just to have the present moment…it means I am alive!

I have to be vulnerable. 

to accept that I am loved.  

and accept that I (ashlea!) AM ENOUGH!

BUT….not because of me…ONLY because of my savior.

who died. on a cross. for me to be enough.

what?!

for me to have a true, deep, real CONNECTION...with Him!

and it all comes full circle!

whoa. cool.